Journey to motherhood

​As I begin to share a piece of my motherhood journey with you it takes me back to the beginning stages of when my husband and I were trying to conceive almost 9 years ago. I had a billion and one questions floating around in my head daily, as we women often do.

Then I eventually became a mother and the journey from that was a whole new eye opener. I pray my story inspires you to hope again, dare to dream again, dig deeper within yourself and most of all CUT YOURSELF SOME SLACK. You are a phenomenal woman inside and out. Don’t you ever forget that! You are not what people call you, but what you answer to! Be blessed and encouraged!

“I often wonder how will I be as a mother when my time comes to bring forth a child into this world sometimes I think it’s a fantasy and it will never happen to me. I continue to see other women around me bear children and it leaves me to wonder when will my turn be? I often think is God trying to get something in order with me personally, my marriage or my biological family before he allows me to have children? How long will this healing process take? Am I truly ready to be a mother and have to care for someone else besides myself and my husband? How many kids will I have? How many kids do I really want? Am I truly ready to put myself aside for the sake of someone else’s life?

Can I be a mother? Will I be too overbearing or protective of my children? Will I steer my kids in the wrong direction unintentionally? What will be his, hers or their names? Will they have to struggle in life like I did? Who or what will they look like? Will they be accepted and loved by society, me and their dad and family in a positive way like they need to be from day one of their existence? Will that cause me grief? Will they be beautiful, intelligent, saved and filled with the Holy Spirit from birth? When will they be born? Will we be able to financially afford to have children of our own when the time comes? Will we be emotionally, physically, spiritually and mentally ready to raise children? Will it be difficult or stressful in raising them? Will we make adequate time for them? Will our children be a blessing or curse to us?

When it’s all said and done will we have well mannered children from birth or will we have misbehaved children that no one wants to be around? How old will James and I be before we have our own children? I’m 29 and he’s 31 at this point in time. Will I be able to love my children unconditionally like a mother should? Although I was not shown or given the same love by my mother at birth.

Will my children respect me? Will I instantly bond with my children from time of conception— throughout my pregnancy-during labor, delivery and long after for the remainder of their lives? Will my children grow up and hate me, disown me, disobey, disrespect, hurt me, take advantage of me or lie to me?

Sometimes I feel all alone and misunderstood. The job of a mother goes way beyond your expectations and no one, not even life, prepares you for a glimpse of it. A mother, wife, and woman’s work is never done. Even at the end of each day we are still laying in bed contemplating our itinerary for the next days' checklist - that we have to mustard up enough strength to complete. Motherhood is not a job for the weak minded and disenlightened. You have to be fearless, bold, firm, punctual, responsible, on-call 24/7/365, you have to work overtime, holidays, sick days, off days, missed days, snow days, birthdays, and even normal days.

It’s a constant ebb and flow of a fast past journey that no human should have to partake alone. For those who do, I bow humbly before you right now and I worship the ground you walk on metaphorically speaking that is. We often go unappreciated, unrecognized, overlooked, and underpaid. At times you can feel the gray strands of hair surfacing on your head as you just instructed your toddlers for the 50th time to stop doing whatever they were doing. This role is hard, tough, stressful at times, heavy, priceless, worth it, admirable. It takes a lot of sacrifices, compromise, time management, dedication, effort, sleepless nights and a lot of deep breathes in between. 

Motherhood is so hard but rewarding at the same time. It takes everything out of you right before you feel as if your going to break. Then pours back into you an immeasurable amount of love that your heart can barely contain. But being a mother and wife adds to this equation in ways you will never imagine. I’ve always tried to please others, seek validation, acceptance, and through that, at the time, my insecurities were being fed. I would often do things like cut my hair to remind myself, I got this—all control is not lost. All to find out 2 weeks later my hair grew back out and I’m no longer fascinated with my once called “new haircut.” 

Being a mother gives and takes away a part of you that you often realize is worth far more than any price tag that can be placed on it. It takes a mountain of sacrifices, love, attention, blood, sweat and tears. But it always finds a way at the end of each day to say “Hey but I’m still worth it. “  Being a mother is a selfless task, it’s not given to the swift or the proud. It’s given to the one who least expects it. It requires more than you can ever imagine and it can’t be exchanged for an easy way out. You have to work for it, you must earn it, it’s a badge of honor to be called a mother.

Not everyone desires this role or has the will power to stick it through. But when I tell you there is victory, love, power, strength, reassurance, blessings, favor, provision, prosperity, joy, laughter, tears, peace, wholeness; and a vast array of more attributes that will sustain and fulfill you within this process that there is no way you can turn back once you start marching on. 

Blog Piece originally published for Jewel Warrior's "Inspiration For Today"​