Below is a piece I recently wrote during a new discovery of my journey to complete healing and wholeness in Christ. I had no clue that this pain still existed. God uncovered this as he begin to chisel away to restore my inner beauty, and I am learning to trust more of him and lean more into his process for my life in this new season.
"My heart hurts so bad that the pain is immeasurable to the intensity I feel.
I try to let it go...
I try to escape the tears...
I try to block the numbness in which we call reality...
I try to let go but some how it lingers back to the depths of my soul.
It holds on like fragments of imagination falling to the floor in slow motion awaiting solidarity.
This cold sensation against my cheek that gently escapes as the isolation of rejection clings on tighter.
My heart hurts...
I don’t know how much longer it can stand...
See I picked up the broken pieces, I placed them in your hand, but then they fell between your fingers like shards of glass as the blood drips slowly to the ground.
Wondering if the vessel you have, can hold the gallons of red dye before you Lord...
A new wound penetrated the inner walls Lord, of the healing you just restored..
This weight...this stone...this mass...is all to heavy to carry for me to bare.
I feel encapsulated by my worse nightmare with no way to escape. It’s even followed me here...it knows no boundaries, it sets no rules, it exhausts all possibilities of expectations.
I no longer know what to imagine or what to believe because there is this lump in my throat.
It’s in my chest and it won’t lift...it won’t budge…!
I read in your good book that you will restore my beauty for every particle of my ashes.
Lord I’m waiting…is this what true refinement looks like?
Is this what it feels like, a true ripping off of my flesh where the rawness has no place to lay dormant?
I have lost all feeling to my soul...my flesh...the memories.
I surrender what’s left of me...simply mire scraps.
I’m done trying...I’m done going through the motions...I’m done existing.
You can have ALL of me.
Even the most ugly state of me where I don’t mind turning away in the mirror as your love captures a quick glimpse of my healing and begins to play it back to me in slow motion right before my eyes.
I couldn’t have lost myself to begin with because my identity was robbed from the beginning.
There’s no evidence of the real me because you see I don’t truly exist, at least that's what Satan told me last night before I closed my eyes and went to bed.
But as I laid my tears wide open on the bare floor before you Lord... You breathe new air into my lungs with your sufficient grace and allowed me to see another day on the other side of this pain.
I arose in a strength and joy so profound and a peace so abundant that my heart had no choice but to restart in you.
Thank you Abba for healing me at my roots pain."
Blog Piece originally published for Jewel Warrior's "Inspiration For Today".