Below is a piece I recently wrote during a new discovery of my journey to complete healing and wholeness in Christ. I had no clue that this pain still existed. God uncovered this as he begin to chisel away to restore my inner beauty, and I am learning to trust more of him and lean more into his process for my life in this new season.
"My heart hurts so bad that the pain is immeasurable to the intensity I feel.
I try to let it go...
I try to escape the tears...
I try to block the numbness in which we call reality...
I try to let go but some how it lingers back to the depths of my soul.
It holds on like fragments of imagination falling to the floor in slow motion awaiting solidarity.
This cold sensation against my cheek that gently escapes as the isolation of rejection clings on tighter.
My heart hurts...
I don’t know how much longer it can stand...
See I picked up the broken pieces, I placed them in your hand, but then they fell between your fingers like shards of glass as the blood drips slowly to the ground.
Wondering if the vessel you have, can hold the gallons of red dye before you Lord...
A new wound penetrated the inner walls Lord, of the healing you just restored..
This weight...this stone...this mass...is all to heavy to carry for me to bare.
I feel encapsulated by my worse nightmare with no way to escape. It’s even followed me here...it knows no boundaries, it sets no rules, it exhausts all possibilities of expectations.
I no longer know what to imagine or what to believe because there is this lump in my throat.
It’s in my chest and it won’t lift...it won’t budge…!
I read in your good book that you will restore my beauty for every particle of my ashes.
Lord I’m waiting…is this what true refinement looks like?
Is this what it feels like, a true ripping off of my flesh where the rawness has no place to lay dormant?
I have lost all feeling to my soul...my flesh...the memories.
I surrender what’s left of me...simply mire scraps.
I’m done trying...I’m done going through the motions...I’m done existing.
You can have ALL of me.
Even the most ugly state of me where I don’t mind turning away in the mirror as your love captures a quick glimpse of my healing and begins to play it back to me in slow motion right before my eyes.
I couldn’t have lost myself to begin with because my identity was robbed from the beginning.
There’s no evidence of the real me because you see I don’t truly exist, at least that's what Satan told me last night before I closed my eyes and went to bed.
But as I laid my tears wide open on the bare floor before you Lord... You breathe new air into my lungs with your sufficient grace and allowed me to see another day on the other side of this pain.
I arose in a strength and joy so profound and a peace so abundant that my heart had no choice but to restart in you.
Thank you Abba for healing me at my roots pain."
Blog Piece originally published for Jewel Warrior's "Inspiration For Today".
Then I eventually became a mother and the journey from that was a whole new eye opener. I pray my story inspires you to hope again, dare to dream again, dig deeper within yourself and most of all CUT YOURSELF SOME SLACK. You are a phenomenal woman inside and out. Don’t you ever forget that! You are not what people call you, but what you answer to! Be blessed and encouraged!
“I often wonder how will I be as a mother when my time comes to bring forth a child into this world sometimes I think it’s a fantasy and it will never happen to me. I continue to see other women around me bear children and it leaves me to wonder when will my turn be? I often think is God trying to get something in order with me personally, my marriage or my biological family before he allows me to have children? How long will this healing process take? Am I truly ready to be a mother and have to care for someone else besides myself and my husband? How many kids will I have? How many kids do I really want? Am I truly ready to put myself aside for the sake of someone else’s life?
Can I be a mother? Will I be too overbearing or protective of my children? Will I steer my kids in the wrong direction unintentionally? What will be his, hers or their names? Will they have to struggle in life like I did? Who or what will they look like? Will they be accepted and loved by society, me and their dad and family in a positive way like they need to be from day one of their existence? Will that cause me grief? Will they be beautiful, intelligent, saved and filled with the Holy Spirit from birth? When will they be born? Will we be able to financially afford to have children of our own when the time comes? Will we be emotionally, physically, spiritually and mentally ready to raise children? Will it be difficult or stressful in raising them? Will we make adequate time for them? Will our children be a blessing or curse to us?
When it’s all said and done will we have well mannered children from birth or will we have misbehaved children that no one wants to be around? How old will James and I be before we have our own children? I’m 29 and he’s 31 at this point in time. Will I be able to love my children unconditionally like a mother should? Although I was not shown or given the same love by my mother at birth.
Will my children respect me? Will I instantly bond with my children from time of conception— throughout my pregnancy-during labor, delivery and long after for the remainder of their lives? Will my children grow up and hate me, disown me, disobey, disrespect, hurt me, take advantage of me or lie to me?
Sometimes I feel all alone and misunderstood. The job of a mother goes way beyond your expectations and no one, not even life, prepares you for a glimpse of it. A mother, wife, and woman’s work is never done. Even at the end of each day we are still laying in bed contemplating our itinerary for the next days' checklist - that we have to mustard up enough strength to complete. Motherhood is not a job for the weak minded and disenlightened. You have to be fearless, bold, firm, punctual, responsible, on-call 24/7/365, you have to work overtime, holidays, sick days, off days, missed days, snow days, birthdays, and even normal days.
It’s a constant ebb and flow of a fast past journey that no human should have to partake alone. For those who do, I bow humbly before you right now and I worship the ground you walk on metaphorically speaking that is. We often go unappreciated, unrecognized, overlooked, and underpaid. At times you can feel the gray strands of hair surfacing on your head as you just instructed your toddlers for the 50th time to stop doing whatever they were doing. This role is hard, tough, stressful at times, heavy, priceless, worth it, admirable. It takes a lot of sacrifices, compromise, time management, dedication, effort, sleepless nights and a lot of deep breathes in between.
Motherhood is so hard but rewarding at the same time. It takes everything out of you right before you feel as if your going to break. Then pours back into you an immeasurable amount of love that your heart can barely contain. But being a mother and wife adds to this equation in ways you will never imagine. I’ve always tried to please others, seek validation, acceptance, and through that, at the time, my insecurities were being fed. I would often do things like cut my hair to remind myself, I got this—all control is not lost. All to find out 2 weeks later my hair grew back out and I’m no longer fascinated with my once called “new haircut.”
Being a mother gives and takes away a part of you that you often realize is worth far more than any price tag that can be placed on it. It takes a mountain of sacrifices, love, attention, blood, sweat and tears. But it always finds a way at the end of each day to say “Hey but I’m still worth it. “ Being a mother is a selfless task, it’s not given to the swift or the proud. It’s given to the one who least expects it. It requires more than you can ever imagine and it can’t be exchanged for an easy way out. You have to work for it, you must earn it, it’s a badge of honor to be called a mother.
Not everyone desires this role or has the will power to stick it through. But when I tell you there is victory, love, power, strength, reassurance, blessings, favor, provision, prosperity, joy, laughter, tears, peace, wholeness; and a vast array of more attributes that will sustain and fulfill you within this process that there is no way you can turn back once you start marching on.
Blog Piece originally published for Jewel Warrior's "Inspiration For Today"
I Empower you to be great
I Empower you to be successful
I Empower you to be the most authentic you that YOU can possibly be
Society does not need carbon copies
It needs YOU, your unique blueprint & DNA
Will it take effort, will it take a little bit of your time, will you lose a few friends along the way...
Yes! But you must remember that very thing that keeps you up at night
and fuels the passion inside of you, it’s worth holding on to and fighting for
I Empower you to believe
I Empower you to receive everything you have achieved
It takes heart, will-power, elbow grease, and even a few tears
To muster up the incredible powers that exist within
But if anyone can accomplish such a task
I Empower it to be you
I Empower you to never give up
Please don’t ever quit
You may take a break to catch your breath,
Wipe the sweat off your brow—and even get a drink of water from time to time…
But whatever you do— do it with all your might
Do it with your soul
For in life tomorrows not promised
We will always have giants to face and mountains to climb
But the generations looking up to us will lose their way before they even start if you stop running
If you stop chasing your dreams
I Empower you to reach down deep--
Grab whatever tools, resources and encouragement you need
Wear it as a badge of honor
Never take NO for an answer because YES is always right around the corner
Are you looking?
I Empower you to promise me that you will never look back
Never back down
I Empower you with the promise that you will win
As published in INFINITE SPACE: OUT OF DARKNESS, High Point University's Spring 2022 literary journal.
Out of Darkness one must climb to reach the top of hope and never look back
Out of Darkness one must emerge so in that sunken place you can no longer be found
Out of Darkness one must arise so that those below can have something to hold on to
Out of Darkness one must triumph for there is no victory in defeat
Out of Darkness there is no mystery to your full potential for it was never hidden to begin with
Out of Darkness one must speak because change cannot be made evident in silence
Out of Darkness one must breathe there has been enough premature death on the horizon and its time to start living
Out of Darkness one must stand free so the chains of bondage, fear, and failure can be obsolete
Out of Darkness you have been called to such a marvelous light
Out of Darkness your light radiates this earth
Out of Darkness you were born to conquer
Out of Darkness your salt was formed
Out of Darkness greatness evolved
Out of Darkness lies dispelled
Out of Darkness a new you surfaced
Out of Darkness transformation has now begun
As published in INFINITE SPACE: OUT OF DARKNESS, High Point University's Spring 2022 literary journal.